


Hold Me

by innersanctuaries



Series: NaNoWriMo Short Fics [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 06:17:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12699078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innersanctuaries/pseuds/innersanctuaries
Summary: Stay with me a while, I just wanna be with you.(Prequel to Fix Me)





	Hold Me

**Author's Note:**

> IT'S YA BOI 
> 
> I almost forgot that I had to post something today tbh. I was freaking out over it and whining about how I had nothing to wriiiiiite. And Yet, here we are. This one is a bit different (tryin new things because my brain fuckin told me to), but I hope y'all like it anyway!! 
> 
> Inspo song is A Lack Of Color by Death Cab For Cutie
> 
> (https://youtu.be/KtQ_iAhXRCY)

We met when we were kids, we moved in next to you. I had cold, detached parents. Well, I still have them, I’m just not sure where they are, whether they’re dead or alive. Besides a few paintings, the walls were bare, the house immaculate. It looked almost like nobody lived there. It felt like it sometimes, too.

 

 You crashed into our mailbox with your little red bike, and you came to our doorstep to confess what you’d done. I was the one to open the door, mother and father both at work, expecting their seven year old son to take care of his three year old brother and himself. I opened the door to you, shorter than me and looking up at me with the cutest puppy eyes I’d ever seen.

 

“I hit your mailbox. I’m sorry.”

 

 I didn’t give a shit, why would I? It was just a stupid mailbox, it wasn’t like my parents would notice.

 

 “It’s okay. Mom and dad won’t mind.”

 

“Can I say sorry to them?”

 

 “They’re not home, it’s just me and Cassie.”

 

“Oh. Okay.”

 

 You stuck your hand out, and I had no idea what to do with it. I’d never been around other people my age, or many people at all. After a second, you took my hand and shook it. That was the first time I had any kind of contact with you, and I think I fell a bit in love with you.

 

“I’m Sam. I’m five whole years old and I live right over there! D’you wanna come home with me?”

 

 I was shocked. I didn’t know how to react, or what to say. But your eyes, you were just so eager that I couldn’t bring myself to slam the door in your face like I should have.

 

 “I can’t, I have to take care of Cas. He’s only three.”

 

“Why isn’t your mommy with him?”

 

 “Her and dad are at the office.”

 

“Why do you talk like a grown up?”

 

 “I...don’t know?”

 

 Your questions baffled me, the fact that you cared blew my mind.

 

“What’s _your_ name?”

 

 “Uh. It’s Gabriel. My name is Gabriel.”

 

“How old are you?”

 

 “I think I’m seven.”

 

 I wasn’t sure what my birthday was. My parents had told me it was June, but I didn’t know what day or year. They never celebrated it. Now that I look back on that, I see how fucking sad that is. Now that I look back on that, I see that you knew how sad it was, and you were only five.

 

“Okay. Bye bye Gabriel!”

 

 “Bye, Sam.”

 

 I closed the door and went back to taking care of Castiel.

 

 Not five minutes later, the doorbell rang again. I was so frustrated that I almost burned myself taking the messy and charred cookies I’d made out of the oven. I hadn’t wanted to open the door, not again.

 

 “What?!”

 

 I wasn’t looking at you, I was looking up at a tall, blonde, kind-looking woman. Well, you were there too, but I was more focused on her.

 

“Hello, you must be Gabriel!”

 

 “Yeah. Who are you?”

 

“I’m Mary Winchester, Sammy’s mom. I was wondering if you wanted to come over to our house for dinner, sweetie.”

 

 “I can’t, I need to clean the kitchen and take care of my brother.”

 

 He started crying, and your mom looked so confused and so worried. I was confused as to why she was confused, but can you blame her? A seven year old nearly burned his house down because his parents weren’t home. Not to mention, he’d been put in charge of his baby brother.

 

“We can help you clean up the kitchen, right Sammy?”

 

“Yeah! We can help! I’ll go get Bean!”

 

 You ran off, and your mom? She watched to make sure you got inside safely. She looked at you like she loved you, and for a second, I wished that my mother would look at me like that.

 

“I can help you take care of your brother, too. Would you like that, Gabriel?”

 

 “...yeah.”

 

  Your home was a home. A genuine home. The walls had pictures of you, your whole family. It looked like people lived there, like people loved each other in there.

 

 Your parents gave me more love than I’d ever felt in my life. I remember that I had to excuse myself from the table for a while to go cry, I was just that overwhelmed. I started crying harder when you found me and comforted me. I still remember how you hugged me close and patted my back. You looked so worried when you wiped my tears away.

 

“Issokay, Gabriel. Don’t be sad.”

 

 From that day on, I knew what it was like to be loved. Your parents made an agreement with mine when they got back at four in the morning. My parents didn’t care where we went during the days, didn’t care much where we went at all. They said that as long as I called them once a day to tell them Cassie and I were okay, we could go wherever we wanted to. You guys turned the guest bedroom into a nursery overnight. Cas and I were going to share, but you insisted that I share a room with you.

 

“Mommy! Can Gabriel sleep in my room with me please please please!”

 

 She said yes, and that night, you got up and got into my sleeping bag with me to hug me. You used me as a teddy bear, and I didn’t complain a bit.

 

“Love you, Gabriel.”

 

 Within a day, you’d already latched right onto me. I was so confused, but you know what? I whispered it back even though you couldn’t hear it. You were already snoring, but I did say it to you. You smiled in your sleep. I cried silently, not knowing what to do with the affection you gave me. I didn’t know. Sometimes I still don’t know, but I wish we could go back to that sometimes.

 

 I felt something for you for years, I just didn’t know what to call it. When you were in middle school, you started getting bullied, remember? I’d always played stupid pranks, or at least, Dean played one once and I learned quickly. I think he still regrets teaching me that. Those bullies never lasted long. My favorite was itching powder or crabs hidden in their P.E shorts. They stopped that really quickly.

 

 You would thank me, eyes alight with amusement and joy. I’d always give you a massive hug, and you understood. You understood how badly I still needed contact, how I could never get enough of anyone’s affection. I could never get enough of yours. You were always glad to hug back. As you got older, you got taller, and when you’d hug me you’d end up picking me up off the floor. I’d complain, I still do, but we both knew and know that I don’t mind at all.

 

 When you got your first girlfriend, that’s when I realized what that feeling was. I was in love with you, and it hurt so fucking badly. I wanted to be the one you held, the one you kissed, the one you looked at the way you looked at her.

 

“Hey, Gabriel?”

 

 “Hmm?”

 

“I’m pretty sad right now.”

 

 “How come?”

 

“She cheated on me.”

 

 You tried not to cry, but we know that you have a soft heart. You’re so strong, but she was your first love. I held you while you cried. I hated her, for hurting you, for not appreciating you enough, for thinking you weren’t good enough.

 

 “You can do better than someone who won’t see you for the damn amazing person you are, Sammy.”

 

“You swear?”

 

 “I swear.”

 

 You and I shared my bed again that night, something that we only did when necessary now. It was necessary, and you still used me as a teddy bear.

 

“Love you, Gabriel.”

 

 I said it into your chest when you fell asleep, I said it back with a tear or two following it. I loved you too, I love you.

 

 My heart soared and shattered when you got accepted into Stanford. I drove us there, I stayed for a few days to help you get moved in. But we both knew that I’d have to leave. We both knew that we wouldn’t be together for the first time since we’d met.

 

“You’ll call me, right?”

 

 “Duh, what kind of a friend would I be if I didn’t?”

 

“I’m going to miss you. A lot.”

 

 “I’ll miss you too, kiddo. Don’t start cryin’ on me here, you’ll make me cry too!”

 

“Can’t you move out here with me? We could get an apartment or something, share it. There are a lot of great colleges out here, you don’t think you could come too?”

 

 “Not right now, Sammy. I’m sorry.”

 

 I wanted to. I really did. In hindsight, if I had, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe we wouldn’t be standing here the way we are right now. I could see the tears glistening in your eyes, and I know you could see the tears glistening in mine too. You were doing that thing you do, the one where you clench and unclench your jaw? I don’t even know if you know you do it.

 

 When you gave me a hug, the last hug we’d have in a long damn time, I held on as tight as I could and you did the same. I didn’t know how I’d live without having you there, without you there to hold me, without you there to keep me going. Maybe if my parents had given me more attention as a kid I wouldn’t be like this. Maybe I wouldn’t be so attention starved all the time, so dependent on you specifically. I didn’t know how I’d live without having you there, and I still don’t. I don’t know how I’m holding on right now, or how I’m going to manage without this.

 

 “Love you, Gabriel.”

 

 “I love you too, Sammy. I love you too, okay? Don’t forget that.”

 

“I’ll see you later, alright? Come visit me, please. Next time you come around I’ll have the place memorized and we’ll be able to go do something cool!”

 

 “Will do, kiddo. Have a good time, make friends! Don’t be a loner. Make lots and lots of friends!”

 

 I saw you in my rearview mirror as I drove away, you looked like a lost puppy with no idea where it should go next. I should have turned around and stayed. Somewhere along the way home, it all hit me and became real, I had to pull over and have my little breakdown there. It was the first time in years that I’d broken down without you there to keep me safe and sane. I miss that. Miss having you there with me all the time.

 

 We didn’t drift the way I thought we would. It was a bitch to pay for, but I drove over there every two or three weeks. I refused to let us drift. I wouldn’t let it happen.

 

 You introduced me to Jess one of those times. I loved her, but not as much as you did.

 

“I’m going to marry that girl, Gabriel.”

 

 “What?”

 

“I’m going to marry Jess. I have a ring picked out and everything, I just have to save up a bit more and I’ll be able to get it.”

 

 “That sounds awesome, I’m happy for you!”

 

 There was a rock in my stomach, but I wasn’t lying. I was happy for you, I still am. She was perfect for you, I knew that. She was perfect for you and I would learn to live with that. I felt no bitterness, not towards her, not towards you, just anger at myself. Anger for not doing more to stay with you, for not trying harder.

 

“Do you think she’ll say yes?”

 

 “No shit, sherlock. She’s fucking smitten!”

 

 That night, I had to drag you out of the fire that took her from you. She was already dead, but you went back in to look for her. Firemen held me back, but I tore them from me. I found you on the second floor, passed out. You almost died from smoke inhalation, but I dragged you out. You lived, and I know that you wished you had died with her, but I’m so happy that it wasn’t you. But just know, if I could have switched spots with Jess to save both of you, I would have. Just so you could be happy with her, Sam.

 

 I didn’t know if you’d die that night. They let me in to see you, and I curled up in the hospital bed next to you. I told you I loved you over and over again, just in case you didn’t wake up the next morning.

 

 You did wake up, and you moved back home. I had my own little apartment and invited you with open arms. I was so happy to have you with me, so happy that I’d be able to be with you again.

 

 I was there for you, through the nightmares, through the panic attacks, when you’d need me to physically carry you over to my bed and stroke your hair until you were finally able to drift off, until your breathing finally stabilized.

 

 I’m never going to stop being thankful that you met Amelia. She’s been good to you. She’s helped you heal, and when you look at her, you look at her like she hung the stars. Sometimes I realize that you looked at me like that when I left you there at Stanford and wonder. I wonder if maybe I could have been her if I’d stayed. Then I remember that I didn’t stay, and I’m not her, I’ll never be her.

 

“Gabriel?”

 

 “Yeah, Sammy?”

 

“Do I look okay?”

 

 “Kiddo, you look amazing. Good enough to eat!”

 

“Oh my god, Gabe.”

 

 “What? You and I both know I only eat sweet things, sweetheart.”

 

 You’re laughing now, and I’m adjusting your bowtie, even though it’s already perfect. You’re already perfect.

 

 “Listen Sam, before you go, I wanna say something.”

 

“What’s up?”

 

 “Thank you. For everything. For taking me in and giving me and Cassie a home. For helping me heal and giving me the chance to be normal. For teaching me what it’s like to give and receive love. Thank you for being mine for so long, y’know?”

 

 It’s the closest I’ll ever get to telling you, and you don’t even know what I’m saying. But maybe you do, maybe that’s why you look like you might cry.

 

“I’m really fucking glad I crashed my bike into your mailbox.”

 

 We both laugh, and I know I’m just laughing to try not to lose it.

 

“But really, nothing’s going to change. Nothing except Amelia, at least. She’s been around for a while, though!”

 

 “Yeah, I know. I just wanted to get that out.”

 

 You hug me, one of the ones you always give me. This one is tighter, trying to say something I can’t quite decipher. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s something.

 

“Love you, Gabriel.”

 

 “I love you too, Sammy.”

 

 Now, you’re standing at the altar with a ring being slid onto your finger. Now, I have a smile the size of Texas on my face as you say ‘I do’ and she says it back. You’re happy, and that makes me just as happy.

 

 You give her a hug, pulling back only to kiss her.

 

“Love you, Amelia.”

 

“I love you too, my Sammy.”

  
  _I love you, kiddo._

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure if this was actually sad or if I was just PMS-ing when I wrote it, but highkey cried while writing this. 
> 
> Also?? Gabriel does seem a bit obsessive in this one. This is because he grew up attention starved and Sam was really the first one to give him affection, so he latched right the hell on to him. I'm not saying he didn't legitimately fall for Sam later on, just making sure nobody goes off on me for "omg gabriel is so ooc he'd never get that overattached!!!". In this situation, I promise you, he would. 
> 
> ANYWAY, I really enjoyed writing this, for some reason the writing style felt different to me (again). I'm just really feelin it with this fic, lads.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it! Please comment feedback, it helps keep me motivated and helps me know what you guys do and don't like!
> 
> Follow me on Instagram at @archangelica_angelica or on tumblr at innersanctuaries if you want to get in touch or just to watch me shitpost!


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